Accepting Loneliness

I have this friend who wrote me a letter a couple of months ago.  The first one was on Wonder Woman stationary.  The next, on beautiful resume paper.  Both were reminders of the friends I have made over the past 12 months and the ones who have stuck with me through the years.  Not just new people to go meet up for coffee every so often, but those who I can just sit with.  They are there and I feel blessed to have them.  And yet...every so often I am hit with a wave of loneliness.  This is probably a normal experience for those who find themselves living the single life.  Maybe it is normal for people who are living life at all.  The challenge is finding out what to do with this loneliness.

The extrovert in me wants to run into the nearest crowd of people.  To reach out to the friends I can sit with.  To find an adventure, or run, or do anything but be with my loneliness.  Because I have taught myself that this feeling is wrong.  That feeling alone means I am alone.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be around others because this world tells us to look out  for those who are solitary beings.  We see that person and think they are abandoned, unattended, or deserted.  And it is so easy to believe these words.  I find myself sitting in my loneliness and formulating a list of those who have abandoned me.  I let this list expand until I am spinning with the reasons they have left.  So...I take this feeling of loneliness and I run from it. 

But what would happen if I sat with it? 

I took a mindfulness class last winter and our homework was to do a body scan at least once a week.  I found excuse after excuse to avoid the assignment until my sense of responsibility kicked in and I laid down in the dark to follow the direction of the narrator.  And as I lay there, focusing on my breath, following it through different parts of my body, I began to understand what I was afraid of.  I was running from everything I had been holding in.  I feared facing my pain, loneliness, and grief.  Because mindfulness asks you to not only acknowledge what you are feeling, but accept it and let it go.  How was I going to accept that pain in my chest?  How was I going to accept it and then let it go?  By giving it space to exist.

I spend my time running from loneliness because I fear the "truths" that will pop up in that quiet time.  I have faced that crippling heart-wrenching pain often enough to know its ability to bring me to my knees.  Yet, I have learned that without the space to exist, this beast only grows stronger.  I am fighting to accept the fears I have in order to set them free.  I may miss the physical presence of others, I may wish I had a someone besides my cat to snuggle up to at night, I may yearn for that open and honest conversation...and that is all ok.  I am learning to take my loneliness and sit with it.  I am reading letters from friends and remembering that just because I feel alone, it does not mean that I am alone.

So, I leave you with this video that another friend shared with me this morning.  It opened me up enough to remembers my fears which were saying they needed some time to sit with me.

Adventures in Fear

I have come face to face with a lot of fear throughout my life, but only in the last few months have I recognized what that fear can do for me.  I faced my fears when I accepted the job in Alaska, sang in front of friends, or learned to lead climb.  I faced fears I didn't know existed when I dealt with heartbreak. I have solo camped in bear country, battled depression, jumped into glacial rivers, and fight hard everyday to be my true self.  Sometimes I come out on the other side with scares and bruises, exhausted from losing sleep or pushing my limits, and tears can be a common occurrence.

What have I learned?  I do not want to do or not do something because I'm afraid.  By letting fear take over I miss out on amazing experiences.  If I had listened to my fears, I would have missed out on amazing connections and a beautifully ass-kicking experience in Alaska.  I would be stuck behind self-proclaimed limits because the other side was risky and unknown...and staying put seemed more comfortable.  There is fear of making mistakes and losing what you have.  But mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them, and there can be so much more to lose by staying still or hiding.  By risking a fall with lead climbing, I gained confidence in my skills.  By sleeping fitfully in bear country, I awoke to a beautiful landscape and a day of hiking.  Through breaking my body down in Alaska, I gained a community that feels like another home.  And through being myself I find friends that not only accept me, but challenge me to continue facing other fears in my life. 

My current fear?  Remaining true to myself through the stress of school and the new identity of a counseling intern.

But I'm ready, because this past year has taught me what to do with that fear.  Accept it...and face it.  As one of the speakers for Tedx WWU puts its: Face Everything And Recover.  Because fear is not there to knock you down, it is there as a challenge, an invitation to the other side.  Fear is the sign that growth, connection, and recovery are waiting for you.  You just need to accept the challenge to get there. 

Music Feeds a Scow Girl's Soul

We take our job very seriously

Well,  I have written about one way in which I learned to power through a nice long day of pushing, grading, and icing fish...but I failed to speak of another very important energy source.  As necessary as food and calories are to physically making it through a day, music became fuel to break mental barriers and stagnant points during the long days.  Throwing thousands of fish into an ice tote becomes a little more bearable when you have something to sing along to.  Hell, it even becomes fun when you realize how ridiculous you would look to anyone else as you belt out the lyrics to Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, Blink-182, Beastie Boys, Florence and the Machine, or Michael Jackson.  The '90s became our favorite era as the music gave us a chance to laugh at ourselves, while gangster rap was just ironic when blasting from the speakers of a fish house in a small cove in Southeast Alaska.  In each instance I was reminded at how easy it is to smile in the craziest and most exhausting of circumstances.  While elbow deep in dead fish, with slime in my hair and scales on my face, on four hours of sleep, and looking at another 12 hours of work...I was happy to have music to sing to and three other girls who were singing with me. 

The location of our dance parties

And when singing wasn't enough (and sometimes it just doesn't cut it), I liked to utilize what my friend has aptly dubbed an Emergency Dance Party.  These are important for several reasons, but most notably for their ability to relieve any tension.  Especially within a group.  Especially in a fish house.  When we were exhausted, angry, stressed, hungry, and ready to just throw in the towel...it was time to bust a move.  Get the blood flowing and forget what was bothering you.  Which is pretty easy to do when you see someone flailing around in fish gear.  My pride and joy was the night I danced out of my gear with Michael Jackson's "Bad" at the end of a 16 hour work day.  All the stress of the day was made up for by  the fact that I could still dance, smile, and laugh with a group of girls who suffered and danced right alongside me.

 

How to Fuel an 18 Hour Day of Fish Throwing

Begin by waking up in a hurry to meet the boat pulling up downstairs. Shove whatever food you can find into your mouth before you start pitching fish. This is usually a granola bar, peanut butter and bread, or a bowl of cereal. The food is more important as a base to get the all important Vitamin I (ibuprofen) because your entire body hurts from the past month of working in a fish house. Coffee is the next most important step. No matter how many fish the boat downstairs has, someone must always stay behind to provide caffeine to wake us all up from our 5 hours of sleep. Meals throughout the rest of the day vary from elaborate dishes of fish put together by or loving manager, Celeste...or they are replaced by whatever snacks you can grab every 30 minutes. Sometimes a handful of peanuts, wheat thins, or ritz crackers. Sometimes anything with sugar. Lots of sugar. Candy bars, baked goods, chocolate. So much sugar. I'm a little worried about going through withdrawal when I leave. But, for now, its quick energy and great for late nights and no time. When more calories are needed we fuel up with microwave cheese burgers and burritos. I even learned that Costco makes lasagna that can be microwaved (something discovered when we ran out of propane for the stove).

There are times when I wish I could take better care of my body, but when working for 15 to 18 hours, there's no time to make a nice salad...much less a sandwich. I have learned to love peanut butter more than I thought possible and accepted my constant craving of sugar. I have come to accept anything that will allow me to push my body to crazy limits.

A Day in the Life of a Scow Girl

I would like to start by saying that there is no average day in the life if a scow girl (a fact I have finally learned after almost 3 weeks and countless questions). I have already written about the days of  waiting. These usually begin with waking up casually when my body tells me to. I enjoy those mornings, but struggle with the cabin fever and I tend not to be the most patient person. Especially when it involves waiting until 10:30pm, when we are allowed to scrub and close down shop. Lately I have taken to watching our resident bear comb the beach (the very close beach). Today, I named him Paddington.

And then there are those other days...

They tend to begin by waking up to my roomies/coworkers/buddies stomping around because there's a boat outside. This causes a panicked rush to put on some fish clothes and hop downstairs and greet fishermen who have been up far longer than I have. Someone is given the all important task of brewing coffee while the other two shove food in their faces and start pitching fish. I am given three choices for jobs: pusher, grader, and icer. As pusher I slide fish up the tray to the grader, who tells me what type of salmon they are looking for. Generally this is small Coho, meaning anything below seven pounds. I'm proud of my new ability to recognize the difference and am accurate within a half pound. I actually get kind of excited about this job because I get to rush around and take on other tasks as well. Graders are next in line, weighing the fish that come down the line and passing them onto the icer, who is given the all important job of throwing fish in totes, chopping ice, and icing the bellies of so many fish. Some of which are poisonous and pokey. This role tends to be competing with the pusher and grader in a hectic race to keep the tray clean. Now...do all of this for 18 hours.  And then remember that it will never be that smooth because nothing here is normal. Generators break down, you run out of propane (which heats your water, allows you to cook, and do laundry), there is an ice shortage, people get sick...or the line on your hoist comes dangerously close to breaking. At several points throughout the day you utilize what my friend has aptly named an Emergency Dance Party and bust a move to the playlist you have been listening to for the last 19 days because the satellite radio doesn't work. These dance parties are made all the more special when covered in fish scales, sweat, fish blood, your blood, and slime. Best dance club ever!

At the end of the day, when you don't care that you just splashed yourself in the face with bleach water, you patiently wait for fishermen and deck hands to finish using the shower so you can scrub clean and feel refreshed until it all starts again in 5 hours.

The Cursed Words of Scow Life

After working three days of twelve, sixteen, and eighteen hours, I have learned several things. One: my body is capable of so much more than I thought possible. Two: don't say the "s" word (skiff), "h" (hot tub), or the "n" word (nap). These words were responsible for two of the last long days, making me understand silent appreciation of down time. We avoid acknowledging what is on everyones minds for fear that it will trigger an approaching boat looking to sell more fish. Putting our tired hands and arms back to work. Which brings me back to point number one. Yes...my hands, wrists, and arms are swollen after throwing and icing king salmon for 18 hours with only 4 hours of sleep...but the fact that I was able to keep going at the end of a hellish few days is a testament to what our bodies are able to withstand. Don't get me wrong, I was exhausted, yet I going myself picking up giant fish after giant fish until we finished unloading the last boat at 2:30 am. A boat with over 1,000 salmon. That boat took 3 hours with four people. And there were moments when I wondered, "What the hell am i doing?" Examples include, hanging over a tote half full if ice and fish as I'm soaked in water, fish blood, slime, and sweat; pushing 150+ pound totes over other totes by myself in the dark and rain on a rocky scow a foot from the freezing water. Somehow, I love it! And I take a good amount of pride in knowing that I was a part of the crew that took in nearly 30,000 pounds of fish in one day. Let's see what else this body is capable of!

Barrier After Barrier

I am finishing day seven of scow life and beginning to understand the warnings I was given. My fore arms, wrists, and hands are swollen and starting to tingle. I got four hours of sleep last night after working 16+ hours throwing fish around. The two days before were 12 and 15 hour work days. Luckily today was a slow day and I found a few hours to nap...only to be told by my boss that yesterday was maybe half as bad as it's going to get. Oh, joy! The next two days should be an eye opener as the King Salmon window closes and everyone will be selling fish they've been catching for days. Fish that weigh anywhere from 8-30+ pounds. Which is great...except when you are lifting, weighing, pushing, and throwing them onto trays and into giant totes then packing them full of ice. All day for two days. I hit a mental road block at least once a day and ask myself over and over again why I'm here. Why am I doing this to myself? What am I trying to prove? And honestly I don't really know. But, I get past each barrier and find myself loving the moment. I'm not sure how long I will be fighting these daily battles. I do know that they make the down time of guitar playing, hot tubbing, and chatting with fishermen and women just a little more amazing. So, for now, I will enjoy a soak in the hot tub to prepare for the long haul. I just have to remind myself...it gets better...and I am getting stronger everyday.