My Adventure in Vulnerability

   What does it mean to be vulnerable?  Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  Doesn't that apply to people everywhere?  Physically yes, but not everyone gives themselves the chance to be emotionally hurt.  People hide from it because vulnerability can bring shame and fear and uncertainty...but it brings about chances to so many great things.  Connection and compassion and the ability to love and be loved with your whole heart.  The shame and fear and uncertainty come when you jump in with both feet, only to find yourself on the floor like a rag doll.  People applaud me for being vulnerable.  I tell them I don't have a choice, that the things I'm feeling won't allow themselves to be hidden.  But maybe I've been training for this.  Maybe the years I spent hiding in high school and part of college, maybe they have shown me why vulnerability is so important.  Because when I opened up a tiny part of that pain I had been holding onto, I met amazing people who helped me break down a little more of that wall.  I recognize that part of that wall still exists and I feel myself wanting to begin building it back up.  I struggle with the urge to protect myself from this physical and emotional pain, but I know this would only leave me locked up within my own prison.  Building a wall is a temporary fix.  
    I didn't realize how vulnerable I had become over the years until I lost the future I fell in love with.  I find myself reaching out to friends I've known for a few months, and those I haven't talked to in years.  I have discovered stronger bonds, and am beginning to realize that I helped build them.  The journeys I have taken throughout my life have helped me step away from uncertainty.  Sometimes I wonder what to do with uncertainty when it comes up, and I struggle with wanting to know the outcomes when there are bigger things at stake.  For adventures, I crave uncertainty.  I become nervous when heavy emotions and hearts are involved.  But I need to remember to push through that fear when the time is right...when my heart tells me its ok.
    So my new mission is to hold onto that vulnerability, because pushing through that terror creates connection.  I am going to remember to love with my whole heart, even though there's no guarantee.  And to be thankful for these moments of intense vulnerability...because it means I'm alive.