Throw Love At It

"I don't know what else to do, I don't know how else to get through this, so I'm just going to throw love at it. I'm just going to throw love at it with both hands."

   I always viewed heartbreak as something that someone had to endure and get over by leaving it behind.  I thought of it as some crippling experience which left people jaded.  The past year and few months has taught me something quite different.  So, here's another practice in vulnerability.

 
  Over the past year plus, I have discovered that heartbreak comes in many different forms.  After a family friend took her own life, I felt it in anger and sadness from the loss of such a wonderful person.  A few weeks later, my heart broke a little more when cancer took a high school friend.  I revisited a different kind of heartbreak after losing touch with my dad for six months.  And then I was introduced to a breakup that I feared would leave me jaded. I struggled with being vulnerable and fought the urge to shut down and close myself off from the world.  There were a couple of days were I even tried to hide from others.  This proves difficult when you are in school to become a counselor.  How could I shut down when I was about to help others open up?  Not to mention, I was surrounded by other counseling students.  They don't let you hide.  So, I had no choice but to let those emotions stay on the surface.  And through the pain I learned something that I wasn't able to articulate until my mom sent me an e-mail the other day.  It was sent to her by the brother of our family friend that we lost last year, and in it he addresses a book, "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart."  Yea, I would have laughed at this a few months ago...or run screaming in the opposite direction...but now, I find myself nodding my head in agreement.  Here's why.
 

  By losing so many important people, I also lost major outlets for the love I was giving.  I felt rejected and overwhelmed with an emotion that I was used to giving to others.  I wanted to get rid of it, but realized that by doing so I would become that jaded person I feared.  So, I began to give some of that love to myself.  I filled my broken heart with the love I had given to others.  And once those cracks began to stabilize, I turned this love towards others in my life.  I fought the fear of rejection and gave to others what I wanted back in the world.  The e-mail included another quote from the book that may help explain things, "In Buddhism, there is an emphasis on the broken heart as an attribute of a spiritual warrior, not as a problem or token of personal shame, but as a state of power, spiritual progress, openness and tenderness."  By keeping my heart open to give and receive I am allowing this progress to occur.  I practice random acts of kindness with my friends and family, I have picked up activities that allow me to take care of myself, and I am choosing to embrace my fears.  I am taking those fears and throwing love at them.  Rather than walk away from those I care about because I don't want to get hurt, I am giving them love and compassion.  And if I do get hurt, the past year has shown me that I will come through on the other side...I will even be a little bit stronger.

So let me leave you with this final quote from the e-mail. 
"When your heart is broken, the only thing that matters is love."

Friends!

   I have been meaning to write this blog for awhile now, but was never sure where to start or what to say.  There was this vague appreciation in there, but nothing concrete that would make sense to anyone.  The past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the idea I wanted to get across.  I know I posted about some amazing adventures I was lucky enough to experience, and I still need to share my Colorado experiences...but I realized the trip wasn't just about going out and having a good time.  My ski adventure wasn't just about relearning and pushing past my comfort zone.  There was a lesson that I did not expect to pick up.  Maybe more of a realization...an eye opener.  I have amazing people in my life.

   Ok, I always had a sense that this was true.  I have met some inspiring individuals, and people who left me in a sense of awe, but I always felt lucky to be in their presence.  I always looked at these people in some guarded sense as if I was preparing for them to leave at some point.  Here's what the past few weeks taught me.  These people do not always leave.  These amazing individuals are all around me, and although some may leave...others will take their place.  This seems simple enough, but was amazing for me to be reminded of.  I have lost some important people in my life over the past year and sometimes found myself being stuck and focusing on what was gone.  Opening myself up to the experiences around me has helped me welcome some new friends and all around wonderful people.

To the people who inspired this post

   Knowing this is one thing...accepting that I deserve these people is another.  And here's how I was opened to it. Alicia, the friend I was visiting in Colorado was talking to her buddy, Alexa, about the way we are treated by those in our lives versus the way we deserve to be treated.  I was sitting in the back of the car while this discussion was happening and not really paying too much attention...until my name came up. At this point in the trip I am basking in the great feeling of new friends, knowing that I will keep in touch when I head back to Washington and hoping to see them when they come out this summer.  With this new friendship, Alicia went on to explain to Alexa that I am the type of person that would do anything for my friends.  It feels weird to type that...almost as if I am bragging about my loyalty or trying to tell everyone how great I am.  On the contrary, I felt strangely uncomfortable hearing a friend describe me in such a way.  I don't know how to explain it, but I felt exposed.  And yet, what she said was true.  I would do anything for my friends, whether I've known them for years, or just a few days.  I have just never heard a friend recognize and acknowledge this...much less describe me that way to someone else.  And this is where I had my realization that...yes...I do deserve these amazing people I have in my life.  I have friends and family who would do anything for me, because I would do the same.

Syd the Kid Remembers How to Ski

   So, here it is. The long awaited ski post.  I know you were so anxious to hear about it and waiting on the edge of your seat. Cue the picture of Syd bundled up on the lift. 

I fit right in

   Anyone familiar with Park City knows that Deer Valley is a pretty ritzy resort.  So, I fit in pretty well with my duct-taped snow pants (I burned a hole in them on the exhaust pipe of my old scooter), and my plastic neon sunglasses. Don't be jealous!  No wait...do. Because I still got to ski for free.    
   Let me start out by saying that,with the exception of a failed attempt at backcountry skiing two years ago, I have not skied in nine years.  And that was in Minnesota.  There are no mountains in Minnesota, just some big hills.  So, not only was I relearning the art of skiing, I was doing this on mountains.  Needless to say I was a little nervous when I jumped on that first lift at Deer Valley.  But hell, this was my adventure vacation (an adventure-cation if you will) and I was not going to let my nerves stop me!  Luckily, Cassidy is a ski instructor and a very patient friend.  And we started on the bunny hill.  I will say I was proud of myself for not falling when it came time to unload from the lift.  And hot damn, I had the biggest grin on my face when muscle memory kicked in and I realized that I remembered how to ski!  French fries, pizza slice...and that whole turning and stopping thing.  Apparently I passed the test, and we were on to bigger and better things!
    I was given a total of 20 times that I was allowed to fall throughout the day, and I was pretty certain I would reach that number.  Number one happened on the bunny hill...muscle memory hadn't kicked in yet.  I can't remember when 2-5 happened, but they did and I laughed.  Number five involved sliding down the slope head first, on my back, for about twenty feet.  This was followed by much laughter on my end, because honestly, it was pretty fun.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  Fall number six was a nice wipe out.  I discovered that when you're relearning how to ski, it can be nerve-wracking to have so many other people on the slope with you.  Not because I felt compelled to compare, but as a soccer player I have been trained to be aware of where others are and adjust my movements to what I see.  So in trying to stay out of the way of other skiers, I found myself flying through the air and landing hard on my ass.  This one took some recovery time, but a lesson was learned.  Cassidy let me know that its up to those behind me to stay out of my way. Phew...pressure gone!
   After gaining some confidence, we reached the top of a slope that was introduced to me by Cassidy saying, "I'm going to test your limits a bit."  Joy!  And holy crap!  What was the picture I posted a few back?  Oh yea, "Life begins outside of your comfort zone."  Well...let's live a little.  I got a few pointers and was sent on my way.  One small spill at the top and I found myself, comfortably, going a little bit faster as I got further down.  I felt like a giddy child yelling to their parents, "Look what I can do!" And then, I was exhausted! Cue horrible horror movies, delicious home brew, and dog cuddles.  All well  deserved after a day of discovering what I am capable of accomplishing.

Best Ski Teacher ever!

  


  

MisAdventures in Mormon Land

   Spring Break!! I have been looking forward to this trip for far too long, and here I find myself half way through it already.  Time to back track through the adventures I have found.

Day One:  Wake up at 515 to get ready for a 13 hour car ride with my buddy.  This friend decided that we didn't spend enough time together in grad school and a more epic adventure was needed.  The highlight? Listening to the most random college mix ever invented. Ludarcis, followed by old school Madonna, Baby Got Back, with a little bit of country.  It was so good we listened twice.  At some point on a trip I ran across four lanes of highway and back to try to rescue a dog that wandered into the grassy median.  It was more scared of me than of the cars and made it safely to farm land.  At least I got some exercise.  If someone had come up to me at the beginning of school last September and said, "you are going to be stuck in a car all day with one of these people over spring break," I wouldn't have believed them.  But...I would have been excited. Road trips are a good test of a friendship, and I think we passed.

Day Two:  I was on my own during the day, in a city that I have only been to once, nine years ago.  Luckily I am quite resourceful and not afraid to go out on my own.  I had to remember that my body was not used to elevation...and this was brought home as I sucked air while walking down the sidewalk.  Or when my heart was pounding when I finally stopped walking.  No, Syd, you're not old, just acclimating.  After successfully figuring out the Salt Lake public transit system, I made my way downtown to...Temple Square!  I'm not going to lie, I was expecting to burst into flames by walking on the property to eat my lunch under the watchful eyes of the Angel Moroni. As confused as I am about the Mormon religion in general, I have to admit that they know how to build a beautiful temple.  They are also very easy to talk to...as long as religion doesn't come into the picture.  They offered to have two missionaries show me around the grounds and give me a history lesson.  As interested as I was in meeting new people, I had to politely decline.   Maybe I would be shown some golden tablets, telling me the new direction of the church! A girl can dream.
    Next mission of the day?  An SLC scavenger hunt.  This would not have been possible without the wonderful invention of GPS.  Ok, that's a lie. I could have asked strangers for directions and actually had face to face conversation...but I enjoyed my solo mission.  First stop, Oasis Cafe for the best damn zucchini bread I've ever had in my life!  Seriously.  I would have savored each bite just a little bit longer if I wasn't in a hurry to get to my next stop before my transfer slip expired.  Lucky for me, the public library was just a few blocks away.  And holy crap.  Its awesome!  My mission was to get to the roof top, and I have never been so excited to go to the roof of a library before.  I could tell the views would be amazing.  I could sense it. So I hurried to that elevator and pressed the button with all my might, hoping to get there just a little bit faster...only to be denied access because the entrance was closed.  Instead, I stared longingly out the window like a sad little kid outside a closed candy store.  Oh well, two down!
  
Day Three: Another glorious day of sleeping in.  I woke up feeling lazy and unaccomplished.  Why was I not utilizing every minute of this day to look for adventure?  Well here's the thing...I just finished my second quarter of grad school...and dammit I have earned a lazy day!  So, I settled into my couch bed, watched a history of Coca-Cola, and called the nearest Jimmy John's
    For those of you who have never been to SLC, the street names (or numbers, rather) make you feel like you're reading map coordinates all the time.  And these coordinates are centered around...you guessed it...the temple.  Which is confusing at first, but pretty helpful when you get the hang of it.  So even though 100 S is technically running East to West, its South of the temple.  Crazy Mormons.  Why is this important? Because when I called to order Jimmy John's and they asked me, "Do you know what the East is on that?" I could proudly say, "Hells yes I do!"  Ok, not really.  I just gave him my SLC coordinates and sent him on his way.  It was a proud moment.

    My buddy came home early, giving us time to drink some Utah beer in the sunshine and plan our ski adventure for the following day.  I forget how deprived I am of vitamin D from living in Washington.  Not to say we don't get sun...but it just feels different at 4,200 feet. Beer also has a slightly different effect on the body at this height.  Which I noticed after a 4% beverage on my first night in Mormon Land.  Luckily, I was pretty well acclimated at this point and able to hold my own.  After the sunshine decided to hide behind the trees, we went to check another destination off my scavenger hunt.  To the Lone Star Taquria!  And the best fish burrito I've ever had in my life!  I know, I'm just as surprised as you are to learn that Utah has good fish.  I have decided that a scavenger hunt must exist for every city I go to from now on.  Because, not only does it create more adventures...it also brings me delicious food. Three down!
  
Day Four: Ski Day.  This day was so epic that it warrants its own blog entry.  Stay tuned!

Day Five: For those of you who are not familiar with CouchSurfing...get with the program.  I have utilized the community every time I travel somewhere and always come away with new friends or good stories...or good both...usually both.  This one at least gave me a good story.  My ski adventure ended with a trip to Layton and one of the worst night's sleep I've ever had.  Me and recliners were not meant to be together for more than a few hours.  For those of you who have hosted travelers, I really hope you have more to offer than one blanket and a chair.  This guy tried and had the best intentions, but after a day of skiing, my body needed more comfort.  At 5am my body told me enough was enough.  I blew up my camping pad and woke up a few hours later drooling on my jacket (because I also was lacking a pillow).  I shouldn't complain too much.  Until two days before, I didn't know where I was going to sleep.  My host was a kind fellow and very well traveled.  After lunch, he was able to give me ride back in SLC.  His driving was an adventure in and of itself.  As he complained about Utah drivers, I was just hoping I would make it to my next destination. 
   I was greeted by my next host with a room full of boisterous people and a birthday brunch.  This is where I was meant to be.  And a real bed to boot!  Some people may be uncomfortable in a room full of strangers, and I don't blame them.  Will they talk to me?  What do they think of me?  Am I cool enough to be here?  What do I say?  Screw it!  Sure, some of these thoughts were floating around, but who cares?  I just enjoy sitting around with new people.  These experiences are adventures in creating friendships.  So, I jumped right in and did what I do best...I was myself.
   And guess what.  I created some new bonds and allowed me to laugh and eventually be pulled out on the town.  I am happy to report that yes...gay bars do exist in Mormon Land!  There was dancing, there may have been a few drinks, and good times were had.  I was even able to knock another mission off my scavenger hunt.  Four down!

Day Six:  I woke up from the best night's sleep I've had throughout this entire trip. It bums me out when the beds I sleep in on trips like these are more comfortable than the bed I have at home.  This fact made me not want to leave.  That, and the apartment I was staying in was amazing.  And the people are wonderful.  So wonderful in fact that they invite me out to brunch after having known me for less than 24 hours. I will take this opportunity to refer back to that study on luck and being open to the experience.  I am open to meeting others...and spending time with them more than once. 
   Ok, back to the brunch.  Delicious and just what I needed after a night at an SLC gay bar.  The day was sunny, the coffee was good, the conversation was splendid.  And I kept finding myself staring off into the mountains.  Salt Lake is a city I could find myself living in because the great outdoors is...right there.  I thought Bellingham had it good.  We got nothing!  I will say that I am a little sad I did not find myself exploring Utah's back yard a little more.  This just means I need to come back.  Sorry Mormons!
   My last day in SLC was spent reading a good book in the sunshine and being perfectly content.  After a home made dinner with my new friends, I was ready to try and sleep for a few hours before taking a cab to the Amtrak station.  Two hours is enough, right?  No choice...my train awaits!

Adventures in Online Dating

Just try and resist this face!

   I've had a couple people ask me to blog about this particular topic...maybe because its a strange phenomenon and I talk about the whole thing in a ridiculous manner.  The world of online dating simply confounds me.  Here I am ladies of North West Washington!  Please judge me based on my essay responses to these formulated questions.  And check out these super great pictures of me going on adventures!  Do I post that sarcastic duck-face self-portrait I took a week ago?  Or will people think I am being serious?  Or maybe they'll know I'm joking and take offense to it.  Don't worry, I didn't actually over analyze it...that much.
    Let's go back a step.  First, one must choose a username. Oh, the possibilities!  Unfortunately, I couldn't browse other users until I named myself, which meant I was not given any examples to work from.  So, in my inexperienced online dating decision making, I went with something generic and missed my chance for creativity.  I would have liked the sound of Singly_Confused...it has a nice ring to it.  Before you ask, no, I will not tell you my actual username.  I won't even tell you what site I'm using! Because I prefer to be judged by strangers online who may or may not be attracted to me.
   Next, selling myself through these wonderful essay questions.  What are the six things I can't live without?  What am I doing on a typical Friday night?  Here's my favorite.  What am I doing with my life?  Somehow, this turned into a counseling session.  How much honesty should I pour into these things?  "Hey there!  I'm reinventing myself while trying not to go crazy during graduate school," or "I have no idea what I'm doing on here, but I thought I'd try it out.  Please be nice."  At least I can be pretty objective in my Friday night answer.
   Now, in order to be matched with anyone, I was put through the gauntlet of questions about politics, sex, drugs, religion, and everything in between.  After about 100 of those (more if you want your match statistics to be a little better), I can finally "accurately" search for people.  By accurate, I mean this.  I am given three different numbers when looking at a girl's profile.  First, the percentage this site believes that we will be a good match.  Second, the percentage of amazing friendship we will have.  Last...the best one...the chance that we will actually be enemies.  Thanks?
   What the hell do I do with these numbers?  How willing am I to meet that 92% match right now?  What does 74% really mean?  Did I answer those questions correctly?  Screw it, I just want to meet new people!
   And then comes the biggest test of online dating.  The pictures.  How much am I judging this girl based on her picture?  What does it say about me if I am judging her?  As humans, we can't help it.  And if this site didn't tell a person that I looked at their profile, I would try to look past that first picture.  But, I feel weird about the girl knowing I checked out her profile and moved right on along.  I see what visitors I had and wonder..."why wasn't I good enough for you?"  Not really.  But I am curious to know why people decide to make contact or just pass on through.
   Which brings me to this.  Getting a message from someone is so exciting!  Hooray!  And why?  Because, feeling wanted feels pretty damn good.  And sometimes I'm just a little too nervous to initiate that contact.  How do you start a message to someone on a dating website?  The act of saying hello already implies that you are interested.  Our intentions are laid out by being on here in the first place.  So, what's the point of small talk?  Then again...you sound like a creep if you come right on out and say, "Hey, you're hot and I could see myself kissing you sometime."  Throw that draft out the window!  A simple, hello, followed by some statement which proves you read their profile seems to do the trick.  And then, hell, what do I have to lose by pressing send?  That's the nice thing about the internet.  I don't see their look of disgust or confusion.  I just never hear back and move right on along.
   There are so many more thoughts I could put up here for you to read, but I haven't yet organized them and don't want to put you through that.  Just know this...my adventures in online dating are quite amusing, pretty great, and further practice in being open to what's out there.  Plus...it makes for good stories!

Adventures in Hooray!

   Do you consider yourself lucky?  I don't know if I would say I'm lucky, but I consider myself fortunate.  The other day in class, one of my professors mentioned this study on luck.  Researchers asked participants to come to a restaurant and just get a free meal.  All the participants had to do was sit and eat and be themselves.  After the meal, researchers asked them what they thought of the experience.  How was the food?  How was the atmosphere? What the team found was that those who did not consider themselves lucky would comment on those questions and just say thanks for the meal.  Here's where it gets interesting.  Participants who considered themselves lucky always had a story to tell.  One couple was thinking of building their own home and the waiter's father happened to be a contractor.  Another participant was looking for a place to live and the cook just happened to be renting out his mother-in-law suite (I haven't read the study so these examples are just made up.  The point is...weird connections were made).  Now, does this prove that luck exists?  The researchers said nay.  These instances weren't luck.  They are explained by a person's willingness to open up to the environment and experiences around them.  The participants who don't consider themselves lucky could have had the same stories had they been able to open up their eyes to what was around them.
    So, what's the connection to my Adventures in Hooray?  Well, I've been using that word a lot and wondered what it was about.  Hooray to new friends!  Hooray to fun adventures!  Hooray to smiles from strangers! Hooray to sunny days and crazy connections!  I was attributing this to some message the world was trying to send me.  "Syd, you've had enough crap, here are some awesome things!"  But, I didn't really believe that.  Because even through some hellish times, I have found amazing people and created some great stories.  And  I don't really believe in luck.  I do, however, believe in learning who I am and trying new things.  I have learned that by going with the flow, or pushing past my comfort zone...by being vulnerable...I allow these things to become visible.  Maybe that stranger was always smiling, and I finally noticed because I told myself to stand tall again.  These people have always been here.  Hell, I've even met some of them before.  But I'm finally allowing myself to connect again and become that person who leaves the restaurant with a story.

Adventures in the Year of Sydney

   I have come to the decision that, starting a couple weeks ago, the next year will be amazing.  I'm not sure how this will happen, I just have faith that it will.  There have already been small glimpses into the possibilities.  I wrote before about how my vulnerability brought about stronger connections with those already in my life...I'm now learning that by allowing myself to be comfortable, I can make new connections altogether.  Maybe its the simple fact that I am literally looking up when I go places.  I notice people smiling, and it makes me smile back, which reminds me that I'm not alone.  And this helps me stand a little taller.
  
I have been making some new friends and spending more time with those friends who I didn't know too much about before.  Saturday, I found myself huddled under a cozy blanket, watching Disney movies on a rainy day with a friend I have only spent time with on a couple other occasions.  We were supposed to be working our muscles and enjoying a nice hike in the Chuckanuts, but a lack of planning and some printer errors sent us hiding indoors.  Dumbo, Robin Hood...how can you go wrong?  Maybe ending our movie day with Pulp Fiction was a bit of a jump, but it was worth it!  I even found myself passed out on the couch at one point in an attempt to recover from my previous night of new friend adventures.

  Sunday was not going to stop me from getting a hike in, so my classmate and I were determined to find some trail that would take us.  A few weeks ago I would have found an excuse to postpone the hike and lay low, but I am seeking adventures and anything that looks like it might lead to one.  So I found myself at the Samish Overlook with a friend who I would know a little better at the end of our three miles. It was cold, but I had coffee.  And it was the perfect amount of quiet to have amazing conversations.  We found snow at the top and sunshine at the bottom, then warmth back in town.  I would have missed all this if I had stayed in what I thought was my comfort zone.

   Taking the active step of putting myself out into the world again has brought changes and events I didn't plan on.  I was unsure what would come of my decision to let go, but I'm happy I did. These new friendships and unexpected smiles have led me to believe that this will be an amazing year.  This will be the year I learn to push past what I think I know and see what else I can learn.